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Arrival and oblivion
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The first few years
I don't know my real name. Who am I really? I forget. I came from far away from the stars, I travelled a lot using my Merkabah, it looked like a bright golden spherical comet from the outside, but I don't know where I came from. I have a mission, but also I forgot that. My mission is within me, but I can't achieve it, I'm not sure, I doubt it. I also have a built-in moral compass, which is very difficult to ignore - truth, justice, helpfulness, protection, strength.
I was born in a family, in a small country, in a small town. I remember when I lay in the baby bed in the hospital nursery and saw the blue sky and sunshine through the window. I saw everything around me in 360 degrees and I saw my two soul guide - a man and a woman. I remember the man standing next to me the most. I remember his long white hair, his black clothes and the fact that he said: "I will forget everything." I still knew who I was and what mission and purpose I came here for, but little by little I started to forget things. I answered that "I will be different, I will remember." To this he replied with a sympathetic smile: - "Everyone forget it and I will not be an exception.
I insisted to my beliefs but I felt the veil of oblivion descending like a fog on my mind from top to bottom, and it was getting harder and harder to remember. I tried to fight it, and I kept repeating a word that I would have to do in this life when everything went dark.
***
My father, when he first saw me on hospital TV, he thought that the nurses showed me very close on camera, because he had never seen such a big baby's head but as it turned out, my bald head was big in real life too. He often joked that my body had grown to my head.
I don't remember much from my first few years, which is completely normal, but these few memories that I'm sharing now, I got back from my dreams and I'm very grateful for them to this day.
Unfortunately, my family lost a lot of pictures from my childhood, only a few remained, and when those few pieces came into my hands, it feels as if someone was completely different in those pictures.
We lived in a small old rural house with one and a half rooms, on an unpaved dirt street. I lived an inverted life, I slept during the day and was active at night. My parents didn't even know that I had visitors in the evenings. I remember the blue-white light that enveloped my crib, the active loving relationship I was a part of. Then I felt like I belonged somewhere. The excitement, love, curiosity and million questions of my soul family filled the space. I didn't really see them in the light, but I knew who had come, there were a lot of them as they stood around and marvelled at what a tiny human baby I was.
"What's it like to be a human? What's the Earth like? What are the customs here?" and many related questions were voiced telepathically.
Since I was still very young, apart from the routines of a new born baby and some empathic energy information that I read from my parents, I couldn't really provide any other information and that discouraged me. I don't know how many times they visited me, but the visits made me more and more depressed, because I didn't have any answers and somehow I felt like I was letting them down. I asked them to come back 30 years later and then I can answer all their questions. They left and haven't come back since. To this day, I wait for them to return, because I have so much to tell them.
When I remember this story, this decision always weighs me down and a deep sadness settles in me, and I cry. What if I didn't send them? Would they visit to this day? I threw the last straw to my real life that day. That was the last time I felt belonging somewhere, the feeling of a real family, real care, the circle of love, the free flow of unconditional love through each of us.
My mother sometimes pushes me out into the garden or the corridor in our house with the stroller so that I can sleep at night. At that time, I looked either through the window or into the night outside at the millions of stars above my head. I was impressed and calmed by the starry sky. Once I asked telepathically - "Dad, are you still watching and protecting me?" and then a star shone brightly and I could sleep peacefully.
Other nights I cried, and my parents were worried because there was nothing they could do to calm me down, so they got into the old Wartburg car and we drove across the town to the hospital. The sound and movement of the car, the night sky and the street lights as they passed by the car window calmed me down, and by the time we got to the doctor, I was already a happy, smiling baby, and the doctor didn't understand why I was being brought to him at night. According to my mum I played this many times because till they realized that I probably really like traveling by car at night.
***
Life is a great experience, discovery, learning. If it doesn't hurt, feel free to try it. That was one of the lessons I learned. My mother left her paper centimeter, which had a metal end, on top of the crib. I stared a lot while I spent time in the crib. I remember seeing and communicating with my spirit guide then. He said "If I want to try it, feel free to do so, I'll be fine". Because I thought I liked it, I wanted to play with it and as a baby I try to "taste" everything and my mom left me alone for a while, I took it off and ended up eating the metal piece. My mother didn't like the idea and I ended up in the hospital again. According to the doctor, everything is fine - it went down easily, it will come out easily, but they kept me in the hospital for observation for a few days.
***
As I grew up, I began to explore my little world more and more. I had to figure out how to move my chubby baby body to get somewhere. I chose the simplest elemental movement, rolling. I remembered the circular motion as some images flashed of me traveling through the universe. I didn't know that other babies prefer crawling.
As time went on, one day I felt the urge to try to stand up. It was a sunny day when I was out in the yard and the family's medium-height flame-coloured shaggy dog was with me. I trusted him and felt that he would support me, so I grabbed his fur and pulled myself up. The dog adjusted his steps to me as I clumsily put one leg in front of the other and he patiently walked with me. My mom was incredibly happy when she saw my first steps, and I'm still happy because how many people can say that a dog helped them learn to walk?
***
I couldn't sleep at night, waiting for my soul family to return, I called them in my mind but they didn't come. I was up until late at night to calm down and put myself to sleep, somehow I was only able to do it with the corner of my mother's tea towels, as I fondle my nose with it. But as earthly life and discoveries absorbed me more and more, I identified more and more with my earthly consciousness, and began to forget them and the small memory of who I was.
***
As a small child, I was not afraid, especially not of animals. We got a new dog and he wags his tail a lot, which I really liked and I wanted to understand how it works. I didn't understand why they had it and we didn't. I thought that a tail would help the human body much better in balancing and expressing other emotions. The dog didn't really like the way I pulled and exanimated his tail, and he especially didn't like me poking around in his food bowl while he was eating. At first he just growled, then I got a few warning bites, and then one day he really bit my hand. I didn't understand why he did it, but I learned what his limit was. I liked to test everything and everyone to see how far I could go.
Because of the bite, we went to go to the hospital again. I don't know why, but the sharp light of the operating lamp and the metal table, the doctor leaning towards me brought my basic fear and panic to the fore. My parents and the assistant couldn't hold me down and so the doctor couldn't administer the injection, they had to call for help, at least 2 other big people. To this day, my mother mentions that 5 adults could barely hold the 4-year-old child.
I wasn't afraid of the wasps either, I didn't hurt them, yet I was surrounded by one that I didn't like. Waving didn't help because the wasp stung me right in my ear. I screamed and cried, my mother thought the dog had bitten me again.
Other times, the closet door fell on my head, and many times I tripped or fell with the bike. According to my mother, my knees were always covered with wounds.
The experience and the initial fears because of it slowly crept into my mind. I started getting to know the rules of what can and can't be done in this world and in this family unit, which I often didn't understand. My ego was perfectly formed, shaped into obedience, support, to fit perfectly into this Earth matrix...which it didn't quite succeed.
