How are the last few months of the year going for everyone?
To be honest, November has been quite intense and eventful for me so far, both internally and externally. If I remember correctly — it feels like it was months ago — there were 4–5 X-class solar flares, and each one brought a different shadow layer to the surface for me. Which isn’t surprising, since we were in Scorpio season, and that energy is always transformative. It’s the sign that deep-dives into the subconscious, the unseen; the sign that descends into the depths, battles its demons, and brings to the surface things that have been suppressed or hiding within us. No wonder this is the time filled with revelations and the beginning of the death-and-rebirth cycle within and around us.
The first X-class flare was actually quite positive for me — I felt satisfied with my life, myself, and my work. I was surprised, because whenever I feel even a little bit happy or content, something almost always happens that knocks me out of it. I really wished that feeling could last longer than a day. The next day there was another flare, and that one brought up a new layer of self-worth and self-esteem issues — not being chosen. Yes, you read that right. Even though I’m “active” on the internet, I still have plenty of issues related to self-worth… good old past-life stuff mixed with childhood traumas I’ve been carrying around and trying to heal for a while now. And then — boom — another layer rose to the surface.
The funny thing is that this old memory was buried so deeply in my subconscious that I didn’t even realize how much it was still pulling the strings in my decisions and especially in my work. I knew I had a block, something holding me back, and since I want to grow and manifest my dreams, I have to shift the energy inside me. When I used to think back to that old situation on a surface level, I would just shrug and say, “It was a long time ago.” But when this theme — not being chosen — resurfaced, and I sat with it in silence, trying to understand what it really was, that old memory rose to the surface… and I felt all the pain of that situation I had clearly suppressed and never processed.
To keep it short — writing used to be my passion. I wanted to become an author and publish my book. There was a publishing competition at the time: the top three stories would get a book deal. I put a huge amount of time and energy into finishing my manuscript by the deadline while also going to school. I manifested, stayed positive, believed in myself and in my story. I felt like I could achieve it, like it was already mine. I was excited and waiting eagerly for the announcement, not really doubting myself or my book.
And then boom — a few months later came the huge disappointment and disbelief: I wasn’t among the top three winners. I don’t remember exactly how I reacted emotionally, but I do remember that my Sagittarius optimism pushed me forward. I thought: if the door doesn’t open, I’ll try through the window. So I sent my manuscript to every publisher I could find, thinking at least one would take it. More disappointment: 80% never replied, the rest rejected it, and I even knew that one of them probably didn’t read it at all. Only one publisher was willing to talk to me, but I would have had to cover all the costs myself. My parents were working hard just to get by; they couldn’t afford even a payment plan.
Back then there was no Amazon Kindle, no easy self-publishing, especially not in Hungary. Something broke inside me at that time — it became a broken dream. My passion for writing stopped, and I didn’t write again for a long time… only much later, about 15 years after, here on this blog. I suppose that experience also filled me with doubt and pessimism toward myself, my work, and my dreams — even to this day. On some subconscious level I keep blocking myself, telling myself that these things are “unreachable.” But in reality I’m just protecting myself from another huge disappointment, because there’s nothing more painful than working hard for a dream and watching it fail to manifest, no matter how positive you try to stay.
I shook with sobs for a few minutes — it hurt deeply — but then I allowed myself to grieve it. And after that, it was as if someone had cut a cord. I calmed down, and my chest, my “soul,” felt lighter. I still have shadow layers and blockages — I mean, here I am getting emotional again — and I still don’t give 100% in my current work. A part of me doesn’t believe in it, doesn’t dare to believe in it, especially since there were “negative” experiences and even an injustice this summer.
I shared this story so others can “learn” from it — meaning: old traumas that we don’t think about, or things we tell ourselves we’re “long over,” can absolutely operate subconsciously and affect our present, because we haven’t actually processed or released them. The idea that “time heals everything” is false. And the same is true for past-life imprints and inherited family energy — they also affect our current reality.
On the 11:11 portal there was another X-class solar flare, and—coincidence or not—that was exactly when I tried Cobra’s new command code against the Lurker/shadow. That same day our car went in for the yearly technical inspection, which in Austria is mandatory every single year. This year alone we had already spent a small fortune on the car: necessary repairs, new winter and summer tires, and everything else. But we had still kept a small amount of money aside just in case they found something during the inspection. The car had already had a full check-up in the summer, so we hoped everything would be fine.
Our car is over 15 years old, rusty, with more than 200,000 km behind it, since we use it every day. We take it to the official brand service every year. But that day I think we got an extremely precise and overly critical inspector, because they called us saying the car had many issues. We received a nearly two-page list of things that needed to be replaced, and they told us it would cost around €3,000 — otherwise the car would fail. Shock. We didn’t have that kind of money. The car failed, didn’t get the certification, which means after the four-month grace period we can be fined if the police stop us while driving it.
Our best idea was to repair things month by month and hope that somehow, eventually, the repairman would push it through the inspection. So we asked them again to confirm the cost — to double-check if it would really be that expensive. The answer came: sorry, they miscalculated; they hadn’t even added the labor cost yet, so the total would be around €5,000+. Another shock… the whole car isn’t even worth that much.
We realized we needed another used car, but not a “cheap” one, because we already learned that lesson many years ago. It feels like we’re reliving the pre-2017 era of our lives, except now we at least have more options than back then. We set a budget, decided it should be under 10 years old, with reasonable mileage, serviced, plus some personal preferences. Funny thing — in the summer my boyfriend’s mom accidentally mentioned that in winter she’d help us get another car (and back then we had no such plan). My boyfriend said he didn’t want to buy a car in winter… life has a sense of humor, because both statements became true.
Now we’re trying to get a loan — one bank rejected us after two days, the other thinks we’re risky and is still sitting on the offer. My boyfriend had big debts from earlier years — really tough times. I can’t take out a loan because I have no income. There’s another bank specialized in car financing, so we’ll see how that goes. Right now we’re in limbo, searching for a new family member (the car) and some kind of solution.
That day triggered the shadow related to security and financial trauma — especially because at the end of October our washing machine also broke down and we had to buy a new one. That became the Christmas present. I have serious blocks around money and finances, because I grew up in an environment where struggling was the daily norm, my family worked endlessly yet could never get ahead, there were constant sacrifices, and so often the answer to wishes or dreams was “we can’t.”
***
I use my awareness for this — I scan through my whole body with it, or I choose one specific area and direct my consciousness there. In simpler terms, I meditate on that spot. If you are tuned in with your body, the body is always signaling something — there is always a sensation. Often I don’t even know what trauma, hurt, or shame is stored there; I just focus on the feeling and the energy itself, allowing myself to feel it and then release it. For me, when I sense an inner smile in that area of my body, that’s when I know it has cleared.
Different emotions are stored in different body parts and chakras — some people bring them to the surface through conscious movement like yoga, bodywork, or breathwork; I do it this way. Sometimes physical pain appears, but that also fades after a while. The key is: silence, a safe space, tuning in, feeling — and not letting the mind create stories or get stuck in them. Let the energy pass through you. Sit with yourself, sit with the wound, with the inner child, with the inner feminine and masculine energy. Let whatever surfaces simply be there, without judgement. Cry if you need to, shout if you need to, shake if your body needs to — just allow it.
The body remembers everything; it has its own intelligence and stores an enormous amount of information in every part of it. It remembers things we have already forgotten — even the time spent in the womb. During that period, we take on a lot from our mother energetically, emotionally, and mentally. This is why it’s worth healing that stage as well, because we often realize that much of our “stuff” isn’t even ours — we simply absorbed it. And for many people, there is already trauma present from that time that is worth releasing.
What I’ve realized from my own experience is that even if you focus on one specific area — for example the chest, the heart chakra — different sensations and pains can start to appear in other parts of the body as well. A single trauma can be stored in multiple places, and everything is interconnected. Just as the Chinese described the flow of energy inside us in a specific pathway, that’s how energy flows within us — and the main center is the heart. If there is a block in the heart chakra, it affects all the other chakras and restricts the flow. This is exactly how I feel it and experience it.
And when there is a major blockage in the root chakra, it also influences the heart, because the foundation of manifestation is emotion. So it’s not irrelevant which emotion you manifest from — positive emotions like joy and love are the strongest manifestors.
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Those who read my previous post know that since October I’ve been working on another project alongside cross-stitching, and currently it’s taking up most of my time: my new YouTube channel. I decided that I want to upload a new story every day, and unfortunately that leaves me very little time for stitching, and even less for the blog. Reading a story aloud isn’t just a minute or two; editing it, listening to it again, generating images, and creating the video also takes a lot of time.
But compared to a few years ago, when I wouldn’t have dared to start, doing this now feels like a kind of healing and stepping out of my comfort zone. I’m sharing my voice with others — it still feels uncomfortable at times, but I’m getting used to it.
I also created a Ko-fi page, written in both English and Hungarian, so anyone who wants to support any of my three projects can do so now. I’ve shared the link here, for blog support, and also on my YouTube channels.
Finally it’s Sagittarius season, after all the sticky, watery energy (sorry, no offense to water signs, I just personally don’t enjoy these periods — during them I feel exactly like November’s cold, rainy, foggy weather, or like those long summer days full of endless rain). Now the momentum arrives: the optimistic mindset, the “let’s go, let’s do it, let’s jump in” kind of dynamism, and honestly a little fire energy is very welcome during these cold days. Winter arrived early here, the frosts came, yesterday it was –10°C, and before that we even had a bit of snowfall — finally!
My birthday is coming soon as well, and this one feels “more special,” because this year I’m celebrating the big 4X… time really flies. And according to society’s “norms and expectations,” I haven’t reached a single milestone yet — especially not as a woman. Most women my age are already married (or in today’s world, have gone through a few divorces), have 1+ children, their own home, job, stability, they’re constantly running around and hardly have any time for themselves. Most women are incredibly overloaded, because they’re expected to stand strong in two places at once, and in many households they barely get any help.
And here I am, still just unfolding my wings here and there, and somehow things never quite came together for me earlier. The good thing is: at 40 I can officially not care at all about societal norms, expectations, opinions — and no one bothers me about the topic of having kids either… well, to be fair, they didn’t bother me much after 35 either.
Soon I’ll also get a bit of rest at my family’s home — and for me “rest time” simply means not having to deal with household tasks. I’ll get to see my brother’s family, and I’m really curious whether my nephew will recognize me (he last saw me in the summer and he’ll only be 1.5 years old), or whether he’ll recognize my voice, because my brother plays him the bedtime stories I record every evening, and that’s what he falls asleep to.
I’m also really looking forward to going to Salzburg again before Christmas — seeing the mountains, the city, the Christmas markets and lights. I love December, and hopefully we’ll get more snow :)
To be honest, I don’t really know what’s going on across the various spiritual pages and articles; I barely read one or two of them. From my own experience, new energies are coming in, there’s still clearing and recalibration happening, new paths are opening, old ones are closing or reopening. We’re closing cycles, starting new ones, recognizing more things — patterns, programs — and there are good days, quiet and deep days, and also harder ones. The world hasn’t stopped; it keeps turning, and within it millions of lives are running on their little hamster wheels, living the everyday human experience.
The elite is still trying something, the little devil is still everywhere, and most people are diving into the big Black Friday shopping frenzy and the huge Christmas shopping rush. Meanwhile, I focus on my work, trying to balance the two, and as a break I color on my phone; sometimes the cat is bothering me, sometimes my boyfriend, plus there’s housework, and by the time I look up, the day is over. And at night comes my true ‘me-time,’ when I crawl under the blanket and try to “heal,” “listen,” and “make space for myself” — in the quiet.
The AI Atlas comet — or whatever they’re still causing a buzz on social media and among people, though I’ve heard there’s fearmongering going on as well. Personally, I don’t have a bad feeling about it at all; actually, when I tune into the energy of this object, it brings a smile to my face and gives me a good feeling, not the opposite. NASA posted a new picture of it — it looks like it came straight out of Minecraft, so pixelated. Amateur astronomers have taken much better photos… typical “don’t look up” energy and distraction. Everyone should listen to their own heart about this.
Just for my blog readers and anyone interested, here’s a recent portrait of my own project.
I fell in love with this tiger’s eyes in the original picture, and I’m so happy that its gaze comes through so well in cross‑stitch too… Even though this project is a lot of work, this piece is my pride. I’m also working on another picture beside it (that one isn’t my own), so that when I open my webshop there’ll be a nice selection :)
I’m not going to promise articles, because I tend to take on too much. I’ve been postponing this one for about a week as well, and today I just spontaneously sat down to write it, and this is what came out. Usually my brain starts buzzing in the evenings, but then I’m glad to curl up under the blanket and finally have some peace and quiet… even though I would have plenty to write about.
I hope everyone is doing well, and I wish you lots of strength. If there’s anything you’d like to share—thoughts, realizations, your daily struggles like I do, or something that could be useful or insightful for others—feel free to share it anonymously in the comments.
Division, working against one another, envy, etc. are still big issues among people and in spiritual communities, and I’d love for this place to be a comfortable, safe space for everyone, away from the chaos and the conflict.
Personally, vulnerability has never really been my territory. I usually deal with my inner things on my own, and I don’t really open up to others — for many reasons. I have a lot of wounds in this area, especially from people who were/are close to me and whom I trusted in some way. Being honest about what I think and feel has backfired on me so many times — criticism, gaslighting, judgment, laughing, “pull yourself together,” “don’t cry, we like the happy, smiling Andi,” “just get over it,” etc. Sounds familiar?
And most spiritual groups aren’t any better — “be the light,” “don’t bring negative energy here”… In both cases, what they’re actually asking of you is: suppress it! Deal with it alone! Not to honor your feelings, not to offer a judgment-free zone and space where you can simply be who you are in that moment, allow it, and heal it.
Have a nice day ^-^
"We can't fix it if we never face it
Let the past be the past 'til it's weightless"
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